“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” Aristotle
Friends are like family that you’ve hand-picked. These are the people you choose to spend time with because they make you laugh, enjoy the same things you do, listen when you need a non-judgmental ear, and show up when you need help. And you’d do the same for them.
But how do we make friends in adulthood? As children, friendships just seemed to happen. But as adults, with work, busy schedules, and more responsibilities, making and keeping good friendships is a lot harder than it used to be
Making Friends as an Adult Takes Effort
The Bible encourages us to build meaningful relationships with others. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 tells us that "two are better than one...if either of them falls down, one can help the other up."
But as adults, new, quality friendships don’t always come easily. When we were children, we were constantly meeting new people at school, on sports teams, and other activities. But as adults, it’s on us to put ourselves in positions where we can meet new people we’d like to get to know.
But just because making friends takes more work than it used to doesn’t mean it’s impossible. There are simple, practical steps you can take to make new friends and expand your circle, even as an adult!
Put Yourself Out There
Sometimes daily life gives us opportunities to connect with people—starting a new job or taking your kids to soccer, for example. But oftentimes, we get so entrenched in the routine that we don’t often come across new people.
So, in order to meet people who could potentially become friends, we need to step outside of our usual routine into a place where we can meet people.
Connect Over an Activity or Hobby
Think back to when you were a kid. You probably made a lot of new friends because you were all participating in an activity together, like a sports team or a play. This still works as an adult! If you used to play basketball, see if there are pickup games at your local park or gym. If you like to ride bikes, find out if there are any group rides you can join in. Or, enroll in a class to learn a new hobby and meet other people who are interested in it, too!
A great place to start is Meetup.com —it shows you when and where different groups of people are gathering in your area. Some meet up over shared interests and hobbies, and others simply gather just to hang out.
Jump In at Church
Church is also a great place to branch out and make new friends. You already know you have something in common—your faith!—but joining a Group or Serving on a team can help you get to know people on a deeper level as you explore something you have in common.
Take Initiative
Lots of us have trouble making new friends as adults because we don’t want to mess up, say the wrong thing, or face possible rejection. You’re not alone—lots of people feel that way, which is partially why it’s so hard to find new friends. We’re all too anxious to make the first move!
That’s why, if you want to make friends, sometimes you have to be the one to make the first move. If there’s someone you recently connected with a group setting, ask them to lunch or coffee. You already have something in common to talk about, and you can ask more questions to get to know them on a deeper level!.
Show Genuine Interest
If you’re a nervous babbler, this reminder is especially important: don’t be the one to do all the talking! Make sure you’re taking the time to ask open-ended questions that give your new friend the opportunity to talk about their life, the things they love, their goals, and their dreams.
When you ask those questions, be ready to actively listen to their answers—not just to respond, but to understand. When you really lean in and listen to another person, it shows respect and allows trust to grow between you.
Be Authentic
We all want to be liked, and sometimes fear of rejection drives us to show up as the person we think others want us to be, instead of who we actually are. But when we show up as anything other than our true selves, we start a friendship built on a lie. And we’ll find ourselves constantly having to work to keep up that pretense.
Being authentic means we may have to be a little vulnerable. It can be scary to let others see our real selves. But here’s something important to remember: God made you in his image (Genesis 1:27), not in the image of another person with a seemingly great life we’d like to have. So why would we pretend to be someone other than God’s incredible creation?
In his letter to the church in Rome, the Apostle Paul said not to “copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)
The way God made you, and the way he calls you to live, make you worthy of love, respect, and friendship. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not or try to fit a mold. And if you feel like you have to in order to get certain peoples’ attention, those probably aren’t the people you want in your life. Presenting our authentic selves—the people God created each of us to be—invites authentic friends who love us for who we really are. And it encourages them to be authentic with us, too.
Think Outside the Box
It’s no secret that friendships are harder to build and maintain as adults. They don’t often happen instantaneously, and with our hectic schedules it can feel impossible to find free time in common.
What would it look like to work your busy schedule to your advantage? There’s nothing stopping you from inviting a friend to come with you on a grocery run or offering to come help weed their garden. Instead of letting errands and chores get in the way of quality time, you can use them as an excuse to help each other and spend more time together!
Even if you can’t see each other in person that often, stay in touch regularly with your new (and old!) friends. Show them you care with a phone call or text. Spend time face to face. It doesn’t have to be an entire day or evening out. You can grab a coffee or lunch or take a walk in a park together.
Be Patient and Avoid Assumptions
Sometimes we assume the worst in others: when it takes a while to respond, it means they don’t actually want to talk to us. If they’re constantly “too busy” to hang out, it means they don’t actually want to spend time together.
Keep in mind, not all friendships turn into “best buddies” instantly. Some people need a little time to open up and allow themselves to be known and to trust another person with that. And sometimes, busyness really is just busyness!
Like a living thing that needs sunlight and water to grow, our friendships need time and care. Just focus on doing what you can to let a new friend know you’re thinking of them, that you care, and that you’d love to hang out again soon—and give the friendship time to blossom.
You’re Never Too Old to Make New Friends
Making friends as an adult may take more intentionality than it did in childhood, but it’s possible with a little effort, creativity, and an open heart. What’s one thing you can do today to start building a new friendship?
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Some friendships start with a simple conversation. Here are 70 “get to know you” questions to ask as you’re learning more about the new people in your life.
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LCBC stands for Lives Changed By Christ. We are one church in multiple locations across Pennsylvania. Find the location closest to you or join us for Church Online. We can’t wait to connect with you!